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Commander Shepard
Commander Shepard is the dude/bitch that you play as in all three of the Mass Effect games. Many speculate that he/she is a transvestite, but it has yet to be proven, since there is two of them. Commander Shepard likes long walks on the beach, and blowing shit up! Shepard's first name is customizable, but many agree that his/he true first name is "Commander". Shepard has won many awards and metals for all the awesome shit that he/bitch has done, because he/whore are awesome as le shit! Throughout the three games, Shepard has made many friends including Garrus Vakarian, Liara T'Soni , Ashley Williams/Kaiden Alenko, Miranda Williams, Admiral Anderson, Admiral Hacket, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, and of course, the Reapers. He/dumb bitch whore punk also has had a huge supply of weapons and armor and shit throughout the series. This nigga's loaded! Anyways, we'll get more into the details after we look at the life of Commander "Commander" Shepard. 'Early Life' When Shepard was born in 2,319 B.C., which was long before the discovery of aliens, doctors were puzzled on what sex he/she was. Shepard proceeded rape those doctors and put on a suit of armor that was conviently laying in the corner. From that day forward, Shepard never took that armor off, for fear of being judged. His/her mother took Shepard home and immediately begged Shepard not to rape, and then butcher her brains. Shepard felt gracious and allowed her to live. Note: Shepard's father died during birth. Over the next few years, Shepard's mother tried her best to educate him/her, but Shepard was already doing God-level algebra in kindergarten. The before his/her fifth birthday, Shepard's evil female half broke free from him, and reached for the knife that Shepard keeps on his table. After grasping the blade, she turned to see Shepard holding a pistol to her head. He evily grinned and said, "Bitch please! Mothafucka gonna mothafuckin' die like a mothafucka up in 'dis bitch tonigh, ya dig?" Shepard fired, but his female form, which we will now call "Bitch Shepard" for sake of time, used her ninja skills that she ripped from Shepard, and jumped out the window. She ran away, swearing vengeance for being mean to her and calling her mean names, like "Bitch Shepard". Shepard could have easily gunned her down, but he had mercy on her. He then, like a boss, went back to sleep. Eventually, Shepard made it to elementary school where he met Garrus Vakarian. They soon became the bestest friends evar! Garrus and Shepard would sometimes sneak out of class and shoot pedestrian with their sniper rifles. "Good times!" Garrus exclaimed after a clean kill. "You know what would make this even better?" Shepard chuckled. "Mutual masturbation?" Garrus quietly replied. Silence abode for a few seconds, then Shepard whispered "Yes." I don't have to go detail here, but Shepard and Garrus made out while they jerked each other off. They ran violently back to Shepard's house, which he owned because he's a boss, and they destroyed each other's anuses. Shepard and Garrus knew that their love was forbidden after that, for it was still in an age where xenohomosexuality was frowned upon. For the next decade, Shepard attended Mount Fagola High School with Garrus, and they remained best friends. Shepard was a senior, just a few months away from graduating when he received some disturbing news; an unidentified woman that looked similar to himself, had raped, and then murdered his mother. Shepard immediately left the school and never returned, forfeiting his diploma. Shepard spent the next year hunting down Bitch Shepard, but never managed to find her, because she had apparently changed her name from Bitch Shepard to something else. After this, Shepard went into a state of anal depression, and became a drunk. He and Garrus started having destruction again, while Garrus finish high school and got a job at Nazi Incorporated. After six months of being a bitch, Shepard decided to go on a vacation with Garrus and just get away from it all. He and Garrus traveled to the distant planet of James Cameron, where they resided for six million years. What happened during this time is unknown, but many believe that they worked on a collaboration album with Flo Rida. 'Shepard's Return' After six million years had passed, Shepard's ship was spotted in Earth's atmosphere. The newly-formed Alliance Navy surrounded the site immediately. Shepard kicked down the door and grabbed a nearby marine. He then began to nom on the marine, until he ate his fill. After this, Shepard walked out and greeted his fellow humans. Soon after settling down again, Shepard received the shocking news that humanity had not only encountered aliens while he was gone, they formed alliances with them. In his confused state, he accidentely shot Garrus in head, instantly killing him. Shepard was not upset at this loss, because he realized that Garrus wasn't Human. The killing of Garrus Vakarian is what ignited the legendary First Contact War between the Humans and the Turians. Shepard knew what he had to do; rape Garrus' body. After he finished ravishing the corpse, he molested a dog walking down the street. After getting off, he enlisted in the Alliance, under the assumption that he would be slaying aliens. Due to his prior awesomeness, he was instantly promoted to God of the Alliance Navy. His first order was to slay all Turians. The Humans then led a genocidal war against the dooshtacular bird monsters. 'I Hate Garrus 'Cause He's an Alien, So All Turians Need to Die War' This war was originally called the First Contact War, but God Shepard changed the name due to personal reasons. The I Hate Garrus 'Cause He's an Alien, So All Turians Need to Die War was a long and bloody war that Commander God Admiral John Jane Sheptard himself raged. Many Human soldiers began questioning Shepard's leadership, and a soldier by the name of David Anderson started an uprising. Shepard didn't like this and instantly mind-raped Anderson. Anderson died from chronic destruction. The death of Anderson struck fear into the other rebellious soldier's penises for a while, but in the end, it only caused the rebellion to be that much worse. By this time, every Turian colonized planet other than Palaven, had been wiped clean, and the Turians weren't giving up their homeworld easily. The Turian High King of Gayness and Garrusland decided it would be best if they could at least save their homeworld, so they surrendered like a bunch of pussies. Commander Chuck Norris Destroyer Shepard, however, had no pity on them, and sent the Normandy (his giant, space, robot, hound) to nom them all. After the Turians were wiped out, Shepard decided to go rape Garrus' body once more, for old times sake. While having some good destruction, Shepard's monster dick rejuvenated Garrus, and brought him back to life. A distraught Garrus soon realized that he was the last Turian, and that Shepard forgave him for being an ugly-ass, bitch-ass, stupid-ass, black-ass, alien. From then on, they were the bestest friends evar, and they didn't have to conceal their relationship anymore, because now the world was so fucked up, that shit was legal; what the fuck, am I right? Am I riiiiiiiight? Right guys? Fuck you, then... 'Becoming a Spectre' After ending the I Hate Garrus 'Cause He's an Alien, So All Turians Need to Die War, Shepard established a peace between the Humans and all other alien species, except for the Turians, because they were secretly aliens the whole time! Shepard also made sure that the other aliens understood their place in the universe. To be enslaved without pay, food, education, and rape, except for the rape part. This huge achievement caused the Citadel Council to grant Shepard the title of Spectre. Spectres are world-renowned chess players and excellent chefs, and in their off-time, they assassinate people and blow shit up. Shepard accepted the position with honor and raped the entire committee as thanks for his new title. The brutal destruction that Shepard inflicted on the Council killed them, as per usual, but this time, Shepard forgot to revive them. He was too excited about his new position. After the death of the entire Council was discovered, the community immediately needed new council members, and there was only one person they could think of; Shepard. Shepard soon returned to the Citadel to receive his even newer title of "The Council". Shepard gladly accepted this title as well, and generously decided not to rape everybody again. After all that had unfolded, Shepard took a voyage to Palaven to meet up with Garrus, who had just been promoted to Shift Supervisor at his Nazi Inc. store. Shepard informed his black ass of his new titles, and told Garrus that he was now a spectre too, via his own council. Garrus was reluctant to accept this, because of his job, but Shepard raped the shit out of the owner of Nazi Inc., and gave owership to Garrus. Garrus and Shepard then had sweet, passionate destruction after this, which caused the building to level, ruining Garrus' career. Garrus didn't mind however, because he wanted to roam the universe with Shepard. Shepard and Garrus went on to complete several quattuorquinquagintillion (real word, look it up) missions, or so. Shepard and Garrus were both promoted to God when they returned, for their valiant efforts. 'The Collector Invasion' When Shepard returned from destroying the universe with Garrus, they settled down on Earth, and opened their own antique shop. They spent two years finding the perfect name for their store, but ultimately went with "Shepard & Garrus' Antique Shop". Due to his popularity, the store boomed with business. People from all across the galaxy ventured to shop at their little corner store. This soon became a problem as an ancient race known as the Collectors, started visiting their store. This wasn't really a problem, until they started raping their other customers. When Shepard saw what the Collectors were doing, he sprung into action and made a sandwich. He watched Key & Peele, while he ate his sandwich, until he thought of how he could destroy the Collectors. Then an idea crossed his mind, he could rape the Collectors! So he jumped up and whipped out his galaxy. He charged in to find his store full of Collectors. "We're making shitloads of money Shepard! I hope you weren't planning on raping these guys. "Garrus exclaimed. Shepard sighed, and sheathed his galaxy, wondering if it was worth the money, which it was, of course. Years went by, and Shepard's store rose to be one of the most powerful companies in the universe. Despit e this growth, Shepard was dissatisfied, because all his other customers were too scared of being raped to enter the store. Since Garrus didn't want to fight the Collectors, Shepard decided to go have a talk/destruction with the Collector's leader, Paarthurnax . Category:People